Safe Zone
cozy haven amidst danger
One of the goals for life is building a community. That is why I think about human relations a lot and all the topics pertaining to them.
I'm Inexperienced Me - a veteran of loneliness. I do not always build a relationship. But when I do: I do it well, and I'm proud of it. I made a friend recently and at one point they thanked me for building a "safe environment", without me even mentioning it. Some people just get it. I thought to myself: "Wait, actually. I'm good at this".
The following is a micro-guide on building a healthy, growth-inducing environment that minimizes anxiety. A safe zone for growth, a safe haven needed by all of us. Desperately by some.
Funny thing is that life is all about the danger. If you wish to be safe forever, this is not it. Safe zones are not the aim, but the means.
Checkpoints
You know what's the best way to learn how to play and then beat a hard game? Checkpoints.
Because it's never about not making mistakes. It's about making mistakes, but not repeating them. You will never be prepared for what's behind the corner. But you can see what's behind the corner, regroup, and go there again.
Don't even try to beat the game flawlessly. You won't meet your own expectations, which is just harsh on many levels. Beat the game abusing the privilege of trying again.
This is playfulness. This is how I remember learning a pretty hard game of Europa Universalis IV when as a noob I wanted to beat Ottomans playing as falling Byzantium (Beat the big green thingy with the small red thingy).
You are destined to lose. You don't stand a chance. But only if you're an inexperienced player or have only one try. Personally, I plan on always trying new things I'm inexperienced at, so I focus on having more than one try.
Whatever happens, you name it: your country is going to go bankrupt, you'll get conquered, you lose your army. Whatever happens, it's fine. Just try again. Don't stress out, it's not a chance one in a million. Just try. Again.
This strategy almost guarantees success. Why wouldn't you eventually win? The task is possible, the others have done it many times. It's just hard.
You know what else is hard? Life is super hard. Especially when you cannot go back in time and fix your mistakes.
Life
No checkpoints in real life? Ugh, that is cruel. We are made of mistakes. I am an embodiment of a mistake. Almost 22 years now of making mistakes every single day. Just give me a break... Can't I do something perfectly for once? No, you silly.
It's liberating to realize that we are imperfect and everyone around us is imperfect. Now, we're free to realize, that mistakes are our advantage. Imagine someone convinced, that they don't make mistakes. Ouch.
One of the best learning methods involves constant crash testing - exams. Try to write an exam, then immediately check your mistakes, learn a bit and try again. When I had to remember commands for configuring computer networking devices, I used to just sit and type the commands one by one in a text document from my head, and then check it with the ideal reference.
Of course schools got that wrong and they use exams not mostly for learning, but for grading. Uni is a disaster from that perspective. My high school was a bit better because we had regular drills to prepare us for the final exams, so analyzing our past mistakes was a part of everyday life.
This is the power of trying again.
Safe zone
And it's exactly what I mean by a safe zone. An environment, where you're free to make mistakes and you will get a chance to try again.
Ever seen severely socially anxious people? This is exactly what they all lack. The feeling of: If you do something stupid and inappropriate, we'll still like you, it's fine. Because how are they supposed to even learn? This is fear. Most of them end up just avoiding social situations, which doesn't help them even a tiny bit. Basic mistakes become less and less tolerable by society as you grow older.
To give an example of the safe zone, look at my random conversation with a stranger:
So, pretty much they approached me with the attitude of: "Hey, I'm imperfect". And I responded with: "It's all good, we are all imperfect here, we can talk if you want".
How do you think it made them feel? Good, yes. Accepted. Comfortable. I also let them know immediately that I don't have a lot of time, so they don't stress out over me responding late, as a lot of anxious people assume they have been ghosted.
This is an immediate safe zone. Small, but it will expand as we interact more.
You know where that gets you? People start being honest. And that's important, when you want to get to know to the truth and understand the world. That's how I get people to talk to me about their dark sides, their deepest uncanny thoughts and that's how I get them to be honest with themselves, which is crucial here. I like asking precise questions to make people think about their feelings and realize things.
Sometimes I talk to someone knowing that they are not being themselves and it really encourages me to just walk away. I don't have to be there. As George Hotz said perfectly: "The definition of a loser is someone whose actions don't align with what they say". Someone who would say vastly different things under the influence of a truth serum. I stay away from these people. I refuse to help people against their will.
The goal is: no more fake people pretending to be someone else, so we like them. We just like them how they are. And they usually return the favor. They like us back and are happy to hear our thoughts, whatever they are. Part of the reason I accept other people is that I desperately want to be accepted myself.
And that's what we are all like. Accept and be accepted. That will get you far. I pride myself upon talking to people about really brave things even on our first meetings. Really, whatever happens, I will not shout at you, I will not be angry, I will not ridicule it. The worst I can do is losing interest in investing into a particular relationship, when I feel discomfort or like I'm being treated unfairly. Whatever happens, I accept it. It does not mean I support it.
Safe zone, not an echo chamber
Strangely enough, some people get relationships wrong, in my opinion. They assume that safe zones are equivalent to echo chambers or some kind of mutual admiration and validation circle.
"You are imperfect and that is okay" is not the same as "You are perfect and you're always right". It surprises me when people expect from others to agree with them on everything. You disagree with me?! I thought we're best friends?!?!
Safe zones, for me, mean the feeling of comfort. It means that in the safe zones I don't have to constantly think carefully about every word I use. It means that I'm free to speak my mind without someone attacking me for it, but rather approaching me with compassion, empathy, understanding and a good will. A place, where people aim for solving the problem instead of aiming for winning the argument. Sometimes it means exactly: "You are wrong. I will tell you where you're wrong and you tell me what do you think about my take".
It's the same environment that comes from long term relationships, that almost no matter what happens, we'll accompany each other through this hard life. My life is so chaotic, I pick new activities all the time, I change my lifestyle every 2 months, but knowing that that one friend will still be here with me in 5 years is just comforting. This is the safe zone. This is acceptance of our imperfections and decreasing the losses we take upon failing. This is a checkpoint. We got knowledge and experience, we lost barely anything. A lot to gain, almost nothing to lose. A beautiful asymmetry to aim at.
Overconfidence is a slow and insidious killer
What I'm saying is that you can't avoid mistakes, so use them. It's not a joke. Not everybody is at peace with their flaws.
Overconfident people, who are convinced they are not the ones making a mistake hurt me on a deeper level. I don't know how to help them (yet). Their attitude shuts down all the discussion.
It's like they cannot accept their imperfections under any circumstances. How exhausting and stressful does it have to be to live like that? As an extremely anxious person myself, I really had to get rid of most my worries before they crushed me, so I could live. I am imperfect, you are imperfect, and that is absolutely fine. And forever true.
How to even make others accept themselves? The only solution doable for a single individual is to be so important to the other person, that almost all they care about is your opinion, and then treat them well. But of course, this dependence comes with its own challenges. And it requires a skilled "master". Aaaand it can easily be toxic with how one-sided it is. It's a mess, trust me.
My life approach probably always will be an open-minded acceptance of mine and everybody's imperfections. Just accept yourself and go from there. Thanks a lot.
Danger
One last thing, that has to be mentioned here, to make myself clear.
What do you do when you load the checkpoint? You stand there. Game paused. You're chilling. You're safe here. You are happy, relaxed. No. This feels wrong, there's nothing nice in blank staring for a longer time at a pause screen. We're curious what's next, we want to progress in the game. We want to explore the world.
The problem with the analogy to life is that in life, there is stuff to be done while paused. There is fun to be had in the safe zone. The safe zone can easily be someone's whole life. And that's not what we want.
Safe zones are only for the comfort of failing. But you have to go out there and actually fail. That's how we progress.
Remember socially anxious people that just escape social interaction? That is a safe zone of sorts, but a terrible safe zone to be in. The safe zone has to be surrounded by danger. You need a chance to regenerate, you need a moment to catch your breath. But as soon as you're done, you go out there and conquer your fears. Years go by, you're not scared anymore. You're still an introvert, but at least you're not scared and you expanded your safe zone. Now we can focus on other things to get better at.
The whole trick is using the safe zone to the fullest, not just sitting there comfortably. Another analogy would be sitting in a tank. You're most dangerous when you can easily fight the enemy and be somewhat safe at the same time. Of course everything comes with a risk and that's a good thing.
It's completely understandable to sit there safely and take no risks, but what life is that? Personally, I could never do it. I want to fight for what I believe is right.
The End. Or the beginning?
Accept mistakes as part of life. And use them to better everyone. But this is a responsibility. You are a part of the game logic for yourself and others, you provide feedback. Not always directly, we like the subtle game, but feedback is feedback. You decide whether there are checkpoints, whether it is acceptable to be imperfect around you.
Humans are nothing but complex reinforcement learning machines with positive and negative feedback loops.
At least reward the improvement and someone's good intentions. One of the worst things you can do to someone is punishing them for trying their best.
Okay I beat the hard game, I successfully defended as Byzantium and formed the empire. What a win. What now? Let's win life.
Oh, I will fail? Little do they know, that's exactly how I win.